Uh...got married too young?
Twice?
Tolerated being beaten.
Tolerated heaps of verbal abuse.
Had a lot of stupid bad sex.
Prioritizing academics over safety.
Skipped a lot of school to do homework instead of seeking out the help I needed with my disability and my family. (Oh wait...I *did* try to get help. Great lot of good that did.)

When I think back on my teen years, in particular, I often think I should have run away (which would have been short-lived but would have more likely resulted in someone paying some attention to what was going on in my house or offering another option) or taken the police up on putting me in a safe home for youth when they offered it. The only reason I didn't was because they couldn't guarantee I'd be able to stay in college, which I'd dropped out of high school to start. (I was 16, and living at home. Two tortured, traumatic years away from legal emancipation.)

I think a lot of adolescent "mistakes"---or at least definitely mine---stem from the double bind of adolescence: limitations on what you can do to take care of yourself and expectations of increasingly "adult"/consequential behavior. It's something I have a lot of empathy for, when I see teens struggle with this. It makes me furious when I see parents limiting teens' abilities to deal sanely and safely with their (often adult) challenges. (See also: Tyro's friend's parents who threw her out because she wouldn't have an abortion. Well, mom and dad, *that* really helped her. F*ckwads.) I've tried really hard to make that challenge less traumatic for my kids, giving them options that are not always traditional and trying to hear them and give them tools and resources. I haven't been 100% successful, but I think I've done a decent job with that particular aspect of parenting.

I can't really speak to young adult (as opposed to still-a-minor mistakes, other than the "married too young" type because I spent my entire early adulthood married (from 18 to 29) and behaving myself.

 

"Inner spirit" huh? Zebra. They look a whole lot more fun and cuddly and "I could just take you home" than they actually are. No one yet has mastered domestication of the zebra. (That I know of.)

If I had to wake up as an animal though, I'd want to wake up as a dog. Preferably Sadie. She is very loved and often gets to sleep on a nice soft king-sized bed with her people. The idea of waking up as an animal is kind of frightening actually. No opposable thumbs = no writing. How would I survive? How would I communicate my needs? How would I *bitch*?

The most "unusual" thing I've eaten was probably sheep head, in Morocco. I didn't eat much of it but what came to the table was a whole, split-in-half, roasted head. Complete with tufts of fur and eyeballs. Served with cumin and salt on the side. I couldn't smell cumin without feeling nauseous for several years after that. (I'm fully over it now, but it has been 22 years.)

I definitely have gotten sick after finding out what I was eating, after the fact. In one spectacular case, I threw up a good hour after eating what I found out was tongue. (I'd tasted tongue before, see above re: sheep head, but this was a whole dish made of it that I thought was just regular meat.) I'm not sure, really, if the idea of it was what made me sick, or the fact that I'd been deceived and laughed at by the people I was eating with, who were all in on the "don't tell Ty what he's eating" joke.

I've never gotten grossed out that way from eating anything vegetable.

In the grand scheme of things, I think eating meat is pretty inherently gross. I don't actually rationally think that any kind of meat is more inherently gross than any other. I know that my body, however, is not rational in it's acute distaste for meat that comes to the table looking like a carcass (I'm somewhat desensitized to turkey that way, though only somewhat) and for meat that is not common to the white middle-class non-immigrant American table (e.g. heart, tongue and non-muscle organs other than liver).

*I suspect white middle class Americans who are more recent immigrants may have different sensibilities...like someone from Scotland probably doesn't find the idea of haggis as inherently horrifying as American popular culture seems to, but in any case I can't speak to any cultural background but my own so that's my qualifier.

The web journal I used to have was The Journal of Proactive Bliss, and I started my LJ while it was still going strong...mainly to be able to read other people's LJ's but then started really using it because it was a less composed, more spontaneous medium. (I'm not sure that was a good call, all in all. LJ ended up replacing both my composed writing on my website and the more personal connection of email.) Anyhoo. I chose BeyondBliss because it was something Beyond Proactive Bliss.

The word Bliss, and the implication of "BeyondBliss" as "wow I am super happy" has never actually had anything to do with me. Except in the same sense that I was nicknamed Cheerbear by friends in high school, because I was such a grumplepuss. And ironically, of course, Bliss (being the common element) became something of a nickname. Which I find hilarious.

Almost as hilarious as the fact that my boyfriend calls me Tiny.

Boston-area locals: Does anyone have crash space for me and possibly Tyro (he's well-behaved for 16) Saturday night? If so, send me a message. Tyro has back to back fencing competitions in the area, Saturday and Sunday, and it may be easiest for us to just stay out there...still figuring out details. I may also have time to hang out as I doubt I want to watch 24 hours of strangers fencing.

N'ton locals: Can anyone let my dogs out Saturday and Sunday if I do end up staying in Boston? Or even if we just drive out both days, since it'll mean being gone about 6am-midnight. I can't afford to board them, even with Tyro's  dad/step-dad. :(

Randy: We're going to have to find the menorah.
Ty: We know where the menorah is.
Randy: Oh. Right.
Ty: Some of us are on top of shit.
Randy: Some of us like to sit on a *clean* cushion.

A snippet of my Saturday, on World of Bliss

There are more photos (of people I actually know) on Facebook.

Thanksgiving!
Family, ritual and lots of good food, most of it vegetable-based.
I often love the cooking---today I am taking a break from that (already did it two weeks ago for our early Thanksgiving at home, with Tyro's girlfriend, the Philosopher King and St. Theresa). I'm excited to be meeting more of rj_swashbuckler's family and happy to share in their festivities.

I miss my own family of origin, a lot, though. I woke up this morning and laid in bed remembering the feeling of knowing later I'd talk to my mom and my grandmother---it wasn't the kind of thing where I momentarily "forgot" they were gone, it was just a strong, visceral memory of anticipating talking to them. And then the feeling went away and the place where it had been just felt empty and sad. There is no mom, no Danda, no Bob (Danda's husband), no Larry (my mom's ex who remained part of the family), no uncle Warren, no aunt Irene. The rest of the family, for the most part, may as well be gone. I won't see them. I won't talk to them unless I make the effort to call them.

I know it's clichéd to say, but it's true: I'd gladly welcome the stress that accompanied those family gatherings, now. I wish I could hear my mom disapprove of Tyro's eyebrow piercing, or encourage me to return to working in her field since my own profession isn't "working out", hear my grandmother bemoaning my mother's drinking, and my mother's impatience with my grandmother....I'd welcome the good, warm feelings of gathering together, but I'd take the bad, too, in a heartbeat.


My second favorite holiday, as most people know by now, is Pride. Specifically Northampton Pride, because it feels like a huge "family" reunion---festive, and low-angst (unlike some more march-in-the-face-of-hostility Pride events). Plus, I love how the whole city seems to come out to cheer from the sidelines, queer or not.

Is anyone I know on here a grant writer?
I must be blanking on someone.

Check my Google calendar. It's the first thing that comes up on my morning checklist that involves the computer.

Then I do one of the following:
Turn on online-stopwatch.com, if I'm having trouble focusing.
Check the time at time.gov (to make sure my watch and clocks are right)
Check the weather at weather.com, especially if the calendar indicates something outdoors/travel-related.
Or... allow my brain to be sidelined by email before I'm done with the rest of the checklist.

Am I writing for NaNoWriMo? Also no.
Do I have them both on my mind 24/7? Pretty close.

I am definitely hoping to get in the swing of things, especially once the Plague of Pork has departed.
For NaBloPoMo, I'm more likely to post over on the other LJ blog, not that I've used it in an age. Kind of the point.

Is anyone else doing NoWriMo or BloPoMo?

This was one of my little projects the last few weeks. It has been a lot of fun. :)

The First-and Only-Miss Trans Northampton

On September 5th, the Rainbow Times’ own Lorelei Erisis was crowned the first Miss Trans Northampton. With the pageant, Northampton became one of a handful of locales around the globe where trans women can compete for a title that honors their beauty and their talents-while recognizing them as both women and transgender. Read the rest of the article on The Rainbow Times website

Today is the 1 year anniversary of my cat Jacob's death. I have missed him a lot this year...I've missed his presumption of the right to sit on and around me (he had absolute confidence in my affection) and the way he would vibrate with happiness when I held him. I have tried to channel my affection for him to my other two cats who always suffered from Not-Being-Jacob Syndrome. Sometimes it has worked, but they are still not Jacob.

Ironically, today, I took R's cat Lucy to the vet because she has seemed very thin, and R can't take her because his work doesn't give him any time at all to do things like that during the week. I was there for over 3 hours (plus an hour of driving...it's been a long day). It turns out she's lost about half her body weight. They ran some tests, concluded something major is wrong, but weren't able to conclude what it is exactly without our throwing lots more money at tests which would just serve to determine which illness we wouldn't be able to pay to cure. (Very similar to the situation with Jacob.) She's not in pain, just not well. So she's home, with a pretty dire prognosis, and some meds that may or may not help.

I hate that healthcare---even for pets---is so dependent on money. But mainly I'm just sad. Lucy is a great cat. A little eccentric, but full of personality. And she makes R happy. He always says she's his "family." And she's only 7. (Jacob was 8.) Indoor cats are supposed to live to be 20 or something.

PSA for locals: Northampton's YMCA is closed today but should be open tomorrow. They had a fire at 2am in the women's locker room. (Which I discovered when I showed up at 5:30 to find a parking lot full of fire trucks. I didn't even know we *had* that many fire trucks.)

From: rj_swashbuckler
Date: 7/15/09
Subject: I am bringing home tons of carrots!
Content: (blank)


Domestic life in these parts is occasionally more "strange" than "bliss."

::wracks brains for carrot recipes::

In case you have missed the fliers, Facebook posting, and my going on-and-on about it....

Please join us for "An Act of Faith," an interfaith prayer service for transgender rights, tomorrow at Edwards Church (Northampton) at 7pm. Speakers include transgender clergy and lay leaders, as well as allied religious leaders and advocates. The event will be followed by a reception. Child-care will be available.

Edwards Church is on the corner of Main St. (Route 9) and State St., directly across from the Academy of Music.

More information about the event is available on Facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=82191097043


I am on the event steering committee. It's been a whirlwind of activity, pulling this together over the past two months, but it has also been a lot of fun and very moving to watch so many different groups come together to make this happen.

Melvil Dewey came up with this system while a junior at Amherst College and working in their library. More at: http://www.massmoments.org/moment.cfm?mid=137

Fascinating. There's always interesting stuff on Mass Moments though I don't always have time to read it (of course now that I'm sitting at a computer 3 1/2 days a week, I will probably be reading more of it).